Stop Whispering In My Ear You Drunk Cherub

Carly Syms -

Team Lead for Marketing & VIP Customer Service

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Please note this piece was written by our tour guide, Kate Villa, in the style of a Museum Hack experience.

Cherubs give good advice. Seriously. And also they’re just really nice tiny angels! Who doesn’t want one of those. Well. Me. Because I’m pretty sure my cherub is kinda the worst. You know when you’re just trying to put on your army regalia and your personal guardian angel cherub is hammered from too many mimosas? He just keeps trying to shoot guys with arrows? PLEASE stop trying to tell me how to find a man. Oh come on do NOT vomit on my sandals. My best friend Joseph made these for me….ok. Well. Now they’re trash.

Odysseus and Calypso, Gerard de Lairesse, c. 1680
Odysseus and Calypso, Gerard de Lairesse, c. 1680 via Rijksmuseum

“No don’t worry about me. I just had one too many margaritas at that happy hour. Ok I’m going to tell you the secret of love in just one second….do you have a bucket i might just…nevermind. I’m good. Let me just fix your helmet-plumey-thingy real quick. Oh shit I was supposed to bring you clothes too.”

Peter Paul Rubens (Flemish, Siegen 1577–1640 Antwerp)
Peter Paul Rubens (Flemish, Siegen 1577–1640 Antwerp) via The Metropolitan Museum of Art

“Can you just stop moving for one second? Damn your leg is so strong. I just need to pull myself up real quick. I should remember not to drink 2 martinis with my lunch. You know what? I’m not ready. I’m gonna sit for a second. You just go talk to that girl for a minute.”

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Cherub faces: “Psst. Mary.Your baby just farted.”

Paris and Oenone, Jacob de Wit, 1737
Paris and Oenone, Jacob de Wit, 1737 via Rijksmuseum

“Hello! It is I, tiny cherub human. See? Next to this tree stump! Listen to me!!! Come on stop looking at each other dreamily like you’re going to kiss or slowly meld your atoms together. Come on pay attention to me! Look I have a tiny goblet of fire! Ok you’re right it’s just champagne.”

Selene en Endymion, Gerard de Lairesse, ca. 1680
Selene en Endymion, Gerard de Lairesse, ca. 1680 via Rijksmuseum

Woman: “Out of my way, Baby. You didn’t shoot any good arrows so Imma find a man myself.”

Margarita Trip die als Minerva haar zuster Anna Maria Trip onderwijst, Ferdinand Bol, 1663
Margarita Trip die als Minerva haar zuster Anna Maria Trip onderwijst, Ferdinand Bol, 1663 via Rijksmuseum

“Hey sorry we’re late but we brought you a …. Oh. you already have a book. And also a man. How late are we? Did someone else shoot the arrow? Was it frickin’ Jacob? That was on our assignment on the whiteboard! We just came all the way down to earth for literally nothing.”

BY: KATE VILLA, TOUR GUIDE AT MUSEUM HACK 

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