8 Kids in Paintings Who Want to Murder You

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Stories January 29, 2019 8 Kids in Paintings Who Want to Murder You

Some paintings are of flowers.

Some paintings are of starry nights.

And some paintings house the souls of children who are waiting for an excuse to escape their acrylic prisons and strangle you with a force beyond their age and tiny hand size.

Wait, what?

Without further ado, Museum Hack presents eight kids in painting who probably want to murder you.

 David, Joanna, and Abigail Mason (1670)

Freake-Gibbs Painter

They may look innocent, just three siblings hanging out with their approved accessories, until you get a closer look at the “baby” of the family…

That’s no baby! That’s almost definitely an old lady pretending to be a child so she can infiltrate a family and kill them all, like in that movie Orphan where they find out their adopted kid was a middle-aged Russian woman murderer.

Letitia Grace McCurdy (1800–1802)

Joshua Johnson

Not only does little Letitia want to murder you, she’s probably trying to murder her pet chinchilla-dog too.

What’s in the cookie Letitia? Poison?

And do those ruby slipper look familiar?

She’ll murder you and your little dog, too!

Madonna with Child (1283-1284)


This may be the earliest known example of a baby bitch slap.

Say my name, Ma!

Jean with Blue Book and Apple (1916)

George Bellows | The Metropolitan Museum of Art

This kid might look sweet with their little hat and big ole bow. But what are they holding?

There’s no way a kid that age would be reading a book that big. This kid is obviously wise beyond their years and just waiting for you to get distracted so they can slam this giant book over your head when you’re not looking.

Luisa de Prat y Gandiola, subsequently Marchioness of Barbançon

Vicente López | Museo Nacional del Prado

Hey there little girl, what are you washing off your hands?


Did that shoe come off when you were running after your last victim? We’re on to you…

Raimundo Roberto and Fernando José, the Sons of HRH the Infanta Josefa Fernanda de Borbón (1855)

Antonio María Esquivel y Suárez de Urbina | Museo Nacional del Prado

They say there are three signs that a child will grow up a psychopath: torturing animals, wetting the bed, and setting fires. 1) Torturing animals

2) Wetting the bed – They obviously changed out of their real clothes after they wet the bed and put on some skins of an animal they tortured…

3) Starting fires 

“Behold, the fire I’m about to start in the forest to murder you”

Portrait of Two Children (1760)

Joseph Badger | The Colonial Williamsburg Foundation

These poor kids. It almost makes more sense just to let them murder you.

Stab away, kid, stab away.

Folk Art Portrait of a Girl and Her Cat (1830)

Artist Unknown

This kid will either jump out and murder you herself or get her cat to do it.

Either way, you’re getting murdered. Or meow-dured.

Stay Sharp

The next time you’re wandering around a museum, watch your back. You never know who’s watching…

“I’m gonna get you, my pretty.”

written with 💖 by Kayla Mahoney

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