The Baddest Bachelorette Party in History

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Stories February 02, 2017 Featured Image

Your bachelorette party is pretty much the only time you’ll be top bitch at a party that you can just unapologetically not share until your funeral, so you might as well stock it with the best of the best.

Some people decide who they want to have to their ideal dinner party. Once again – why are we hosting a dinner party when you can throw your bachelorette? Because that’s what I’d rather do.

These are the baddest bitches from history that I’d want to party with.

I’m gonna make Cleopatra do shots with me.

Betsy Ross

First of all, great at making flags. She’s got that on lock. She created some of the earliest American flags and solidified the use of stars and stripes in the USA today. But you know the girl who basically is responsible for bringing all the pins and sashes and crowns and sh*t that we all have to wear to every awful bar that lets everyone know that we come in a pack and will probably get too drunk and need to get on a table? IF BETSY AIN’T MAKIN IT, I AIN’T TAKIN IT. She can also come up with the hashtag (#Wedded2History).

Aretha Franklin

You always need to bring a friend who can really sing when you’re all drunk and belting out Whitney Houston covers at 3am in a karaoke bar – and this woman sings better than literally anyone in the whole world (and I’ll stand behind that until my final breath). It doesn’t hurt that she’s also an independent and strong lady who is not taking any sh*t from that dude who keeps requesting “Enter Sandman.”

Marie Curie

Which of us is the responsible bartender? OBVIOUSLY Marie. When you’re looking for the gal who’s going to take care of the pre-game drinks, look no further than a 1.5-time Nobel Prize winner. She knows how to separate radioactive materials, is used to working in adverse conditions alongside guys who think they’re the sh*t but she’s just leagues ahead of them, and now she’s my own personal mixologist. We just need someone to truly believe that mixology is a science and not an art because if anyone gets fucking arsenic poisoning and pukes in the cab I swear I am going to FREAK OUT.

Diane De Poitiers

Everyone needs one really pretty friend. Diane is that pretty friend. All the guys in France were weirdly obsessed with her. She’s a little bit of a man-eater. They basically painted a ton of pictures and wove a bunch of tapestries of her and the queen got so jealous that she banished her from France and, girl, I get it. Your friend that can get you into the club isn’t really the one you want to be sharing a guy with.

Thank God I’m the one getting married in this scenario. Oh wait Diane was dating the king while he was married. DAMN IT.

Cleopatra

I mean. She’s a queen. She has amazing eye makeup. What am I supposed to say? She’s a must-have in my bachelorette squad. Seriously, I won’t have this party if this party girl isn’t there and I’m not kidding, DO NOT TEST ME. If you need more of a reason to have her at this bash, she spoke Greek, snuck into Caesar’s palace and had sex with him (just for the story. And the kid.), and died from a cobra bite. Is this this the most badass woman in history? Besides me, because it’s my day, YES.

There is nothing rowdier than a group of women from five different periods in history meeting each other for the first time – probably over flaming shots.

BY: KATE VILLA, TOUR GUIDE AT MUSEUM HACK

written with 💖 by Carly Syms

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