Advice from the Animal Kingdom: Dating Edition

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Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and if you’re like roughly half of the US population that’s currently single, there can be a lot of pressure to find a date and celebrate this “holiday” with all the hearts, chocolates, and missed expectations it requires.

Thankfully, whether you’re still looking for your date or have found Mr. or Mrs. Right, we’ve sorted through the thousands of animal mating rituals around the world and pulled out the best tips to help you date, love and get laid this holiday season.

Perfect Those Sweet Moves

Everyone loves a good dance. Whether it’s Julia Stiles in Save the Last Dance or John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, it’s hard to deny the effect suave dance moves have on us. But we’re not the only ones – tons of animals cut the proverbial rug to attract their mates.

Now’s your chance to strut your stuff and show all those eligible mates what you’re made of. Just be you, let your freak flag fly and start peacocking around the room. That’s right, peacocking. Turns out birds are huge promoters of busting a move.

The king of peacocking, in our opinion, isn’t actually the peacock – it’s none other than the greater prairie chicken (GPC). In the plains of the central North America, the male GPCs are known to be quite the sight. By inflating their orange air sacs on the sides of their necks, the GPCs start their romantic dance. A flash of feathers and snapping tails is all most ladies need, but some still play hard to get. The males will keep dancing their way across the prairie for a solid two months until they find the perfect partner.

And if you’re doubting this could actually work, go check out the top male GPCs in America. The most successful males will do about 90% of the mating in the area! If that’s not killing two birds with one stone, then I don’t know what is.

If the prairie grouse’s approach is a little too aggressive for you, then team up with some of your buddies instead – and do what flamingos do!

The Andean flamingo takes the “Wing Man” approach to a whole new level. Large groups of male Andean flamingos will walk together through the wetlands of the high Andes where they congregate in large numbers. To attract their mates, they bust out The Bobblehead – where they turn their heads back and forth over and over. Simple as that. If they can do it while living in lakes at 13,000 ft above seas level, then so can you.

Honestly, no one is exactly sure why or how this work, but it definitely does.

I’m not saying you should learn to dance tonight, but dancing seems to be one of the most popular courtship rituals around the world, for humans and animals alike.

So yeah, maybe learn to dance.

Pimp Your Crib

Bringing your plus-one home can be scary, but remains an essential part of any successful date. Here are a few tips to make sure you’re ready for that Netflix and chill.

Show off your inner interior design skills like the bowerbird. Just like their name suggests, the bowerbird is a big builder of bowers. They start by making a pile of sticks and grasses into a round vertical nest. Now while that might not sound all that special, it’s what’s inside, and scattered all around, that really counts!

The bowerbirds will collect all sorts of colorful objects from all over their home island, New Guinea. It’s probably appropriate here to say “One man’s junk is another man’s treasure.” And that phrase is truly applicable here, the male bowerbirds’ keen eye for interior decorating is exactly what the females are looking for! So if you’re like the bowerbird and don’t have a lot going for you in the looks department, then make up for it with an aesthetically pleasing love nest of your own.

If you’re feeling more ambitious and know you need the perfect place to make the magic happen, look to the red velvet mites. These little arachnids build their love shacks from scratch. Some call it a Love Garden, others a Sex Den but we here at Museum Hack like to think of it as a Sperm Castle. Yup, you read that right, a sperm castle.

Once these tiny lovers are ready to mate, the male will build a shelter using sticks, leaves and lots of that sticky, reproductive goodness, sperm. He’ll then leave a long silky path up to the doorway to lure his future mates inside!

If you’re lucky enough to make it this far and get a lady mite into your castle using your sweet dance moves (see above), then you’re home free! A quick trip up the silk path will lead the prospective lady mite straight to the jizz castle and its waiting sperm bubble.

Don’t feel like going through all that work? Then do what many male red velvet mites do and find someone else’s castle and take it for your own! That’s right, a quick (and thorough) ejaculation of your own will clear things up and get the place ready for happily ever after.

Wildly Gesture Your Love

If all else fails, it might be time to bring out the big guns: Grand Romantic Gestures!

If you’re lacking for ideas, have no fear, the animal kingdom is here! While some people write long, romantic poems and others buy extravagant gifts to win the affection of their crushes, nothing can compare to these wild grand romantic gestures.

One way to appeal to the ladies is to show off your sensitive side. There’s no easier way to make those ovaries explode than demonstrating how good you are with kids. Heck, you might even make a great father in the process.

Take a page out of the midwife toad’s book and you’ll be one step closer to fatherhood. Male midwife toads are put through the ultimate test. Once a female lays her eggs, the male will fertilize them before wrapping them tight around his legs. He’ll then proceed to carry the eggs (sometimes as many as 150 eggs!) around until it’s time for them to hatch, sometimes as long as 8 weeks. If that doesn’t say sensitive and ready for an adult relationship, then I don’t know what does!

Maybe the “sensitive guy” vibe isn’t really your type and you’re looking to make a better, more intense impression. Go the old-fashioned route and mark your territory to get a lady’s attention!

No, don’t go putting signs up around town advertising your qualities. Go the hippo route instead and take a big old Number Two.

Hippos spend a good deal of their lives in the water, even bumping uglies there as well. But, when it comes time to meet a lady, they head onto dry land and do what most animals do – they poop. You might be thinking, “this can’t be as gross as I’m currently picturing it.” Oh, but you’d be wrong.

To start things off, hippos will poop and pee simultaneously. Then, keeping it classy, they’ll swing their tails like an airplane propeller, spinning them around to send their shit flying in every direction. Surprisingly, this seems to work every time. Before you know it, this poop spray will attract a lady hippo and, well, you can imagine the rest.

Get Wild This Valentine’s Day

Whether you need help gaining the confidence to strut your way across the dance floor or to make a lasting impression as the world’s most helpful partner, don’t forget to let nature guide you.

From the smallest mite to the powerful hippo, you can count on the entire animal kingdom to give you all the tips and tricks you need to be successful this Valentine’s Day season.

Good luck!

BY: ZAK MARTELLUCCI, TOUR GUIDE AT MUSEUM HACK

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