It seems like all your friends on Facebook are getting engaged and married. Even though their weddings are beautiful and they’re wearing dresses that could pass for ball gowns, don’t let the urge to tie the knot get the best of you! Do not marry the first King that asks – because some of them are dicks and others might chop your head off. Here are the top five kings from history you should definitely not accept marriage proposals from.
The One With A Killer Personality: Henry VIII
When your boyfriend drops to one knee and says, “Kathryn, will you be my small and lithe wife number five?” instead of a normal and appropriate, “Will you marry me?” run – do not walk – to the nearest horse-drawn carriage and hightail it the eff out of England. Henry VIII is a nutcase, and I don’t mean just a crazy ex. This guy has a serious personality disorder, probably because someone jabbed his decision-making frontal lobe in a jousting accident and, by doing so, inflicted on his court and family a world of hurt. Also, he’s covered in pus-filled boils and he killed a lot of his wives. That ring ain’t worth it, honey. Plus, four other people have worn it before you and one, with your name spelled differently, is going to wear it after you. #RunKathrynRun
The Guy With Mommy Issues: King John
Oh, don’t even get me started on this guy. His parents identified early on that he wasn’t destined for basically anything and his mom gave up on breastfeeding him, so he’s got some serious mommy issues. He took it out on the world by messing around with a bunch of women in Madrid and fathering a ton of kids. He also killed a lot of people and almost destroyed Europe. What a catch. So, yeah. He’s a king, we get it. But if your name is Isabella (he only married Isabellas…), and King John comes a-knocking, you better start a-walking.
The Bro-y Finance Bro, Bro: Ludwig II of Bavaria
Yes, one of his nicknames was “The Fairytale King,” but do not be fooled. If you’re worried about money, the obvious answer is to marry rich, right? Wrong! Especially in the case of this idiot who needs a portfolio manager immediately. His other nickname is Mad King Ludwig, which really just solidifies the point. Dude isn’t worth the cash. He almost never went out in public and spent all of his royal revenue building castles that had stairs going nowhere and pointless towers. Even though he was apparently smokin’ hot, he would never buy you anything. He’s too busy building his weird castles and never picking up the check. Cheap bastard.
The ‘Ryan Lochte’: Richard II
Are you a girl just trying to make up for a Pope’s mistakes? Are you seven years old? If you answered yes to either statement, then you’re a perfect match for Richard II. Those were his two wives. Though apparently he was athletic, six-feet-tall, and referred to by writers of the time as a “most beautiful king,” he was also arresting people for no apparent reason and Shakespeare literally took the time to write a play about how he deems Richard II responsible for the War of the Roses. If you were dating a guy who Shakespeare decided was that shitty, would you say yes even if you were on the jumbotron at the Yankees game when he got down on one knee? The answer is no. Do not be that betch who plays a supporting role but still gets villainized by Shakespeare. Don’t associate yourself with Richard II, no matter how public he makes the proposal. He would do that.
The Rising Broadway Star That’s Also A Vicious Dictator: Senwosret III
Ever wanted to marry a pharaoh who was also a grade-A dictator, though a little ahead of his time? Welcome to the reign of Senwosret III. Yeah, he brought Egypt into a time of peace by killing a lot of people, but even so, his ‘foreigners-are-taking-Egyptian-jobs-strengthen-our-Nubian-borders-put-my-face-on-everything’ attitude doesn’t really inspire a ton of confidence. He’s an arrogant prick who actually had a cult devoted to him during his lifetime. Historians also think that he’s the pharaoh featured in the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. So I guess if you like musicals and hate immigration reform, this guy might be for you. Otherwise, do not take any blood oaths/marry this man.
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